In one instance, i had taken Papa’s very good and sharp scissors
to school for a project. And as it could be expected, someone had stolen it from
my bag or while it had been left abandoned on the table. While I was getting
back home that day, I remember feeling ‘dead like a lizard’, not knowing
what to reply to Papa. I tried begging Mercy to take the blame upon herself as
she was Papa’s pet and could escape without getting scolded. She was a perfect
daughter, who everything in the best way possible without causing any trouble
to others. Yet she refused my plea. Who would risk doing that when there wasn’t
any guarantee that it wouldn’t happen again!
And so these were my childhood days. Yet, none of these incidents prevented
me from my Operation ‘Exploration’. My desires were always set upon
doing things that were ‘ forbidden’ .
My childhood revolved around School. My school was my world..!!
While any school going child would prefer to stay at home and so find excuses
to take leave from it, I was just the opposite. ‘Meghalaya’,my hometown, when
translated means ‘the house of clouds’ . It would have rainy weather more for
than half a year. Hailstorms were also quite common. Besides this, there were
frequent curfews and bandhs due to political reasons. Since my school was
situated in the air force region, 60 % of the students could make it to school
even in the most adverse conditions.
I remember many such incidents, when Mummy, seeing the weather
outside, would not wake us up in the morning and allow us to sleep presuming we
would stay at home. But somehow, I would wake up by 6:30 am ( which
would mean only 30 minutes to go and catch the office jeep to go to the school)
and Seeing my sisters happily lying on the bed I would weep loudly. It
literally brought the roof to the ground. Why ? Just because I did not want to
stay at home and wished to go to school as always. With a
75-25 ratio I would win the battle . Somehow with my
skirt half tucked in, and Rs 5 in my fist for lunch, I would manage to catch
the office jeep. This was the normal scenario at home, as ‘Jesse’ was a very
serious student. I wanted to attend all the classes without missing even one,
while Mercy and Ruth would prefer to stay back at home, happily sleeping under
the warm cozy blankets.
Friendship was very special to me. I never chose friends based
on their intelligence or smartness or even beauty. Even from my childhood days
I sought friends who would be ‘good listeners'. Yes..just good listeners would
do. Someone who could add a ‘hmmm’ to everything I said.
Isn’t it beautiful how God creates us. No two people are alike.
We are all created beautifully by Him. We all possess different temperament ..
different even within a family. We should never feed awkward or low about these
differences. He is the perfect ‘Potter’ who knows about our future even before
the best calendar could mark it down.
Then as the earth revolved around the Sun making revolutions
year after year…this jesse from childhood now entered into her teenage. Until
then, I was pretty innocent yet now adolescence was taking a stall over me. I
wanted to be famous even more. Co-curricular activity was the sword on my right
hand and academic studies the shield on the left. Adding to all of these since
I was slowing entering into my adulthood, I now had the desire to
be appreciated for my looks. I had known that I wasn’t as fair as other girls (
People in North East are all fair, having really straight long hair and a slim
figure) and that would unknowingly bring down my confidence. Still I strove to
do my best in everything. School was everything to me. Even at home I would
spend hours together thinking about ‘what had happened that day and what would
happen the next day’.
Running past all the other years, let me take you to the period
of my life that had seen a complete make over. This was the end of my 8th standard.
As there were rumors in the school that students would be taken to a Darjeeling
mountaineering trip. Bingo !! This was what my soul desired. A trip !! Too good
to behold..this young mind thought of the mountaineering experience - the colorful
dresses I would be allowed to wear, the fun I would have with my friends and
what not. So there I was excited to break this news at home. The school had
charged around Rs 400 I believe. It was a little more for my family to provide
yet I hoped I could convince my parents. So I waited for my mother to return
from her school. She was a primary teacher in a private school.
Here I should make a note that the lives of my
parents too revolved around our education. They never bought any new
cloths for themselves yet provided all that they could for us,
their four gems. My father could have bought a bike or a new gadget
to boast about with his friends, yet family was his priority. God bless my
parents. I can very well recall this conversation that my Papa had with his
office manager while he withdrew some money from his PF ( provisional fund) for
Victoria’s degree admission. While he applied for the withdrawal form, he was
advice by the manager that he shouldn’t be his savings like this and should
rather keep it for his post retirement period.’ ‘Lala careful’, was what they
had advised him . Yet my father used almost all his savings on us
and never thought about his future.
So my mother had arrived from the school and before I could even
announce the Big carnival news, Mercy in turn had shared the same news with
both Mummy and Papa and they were willing to send her to this trip. What had
happened !! My dreams were crushed into pieces . All my plans got
washed away by the flood waters. Yet, I wasn’t a loving sister nor had ever
understood the meaning of sacrifice and I went and told Mummy that I too was
planning to go. Without any second thought, Mummy said ‘no’ as they couldn’t
afford for two people. Mercy as her nature was, immediately told my parents that
she wouldn’t and that jesse could go alone. Yet, Mummy did not agree to
this. If not for Mercy, then not even for jesse. Today,
I understand why Mummy had said so, yet then I did not. I was furious . I wept
yet they wouldn’t listen. I went for a two and a half days dharna ( starvation
process), yet they wouldn’t. The school had given a week whole break for the
end term examination. My parents fearing that I wouldn’t study and that I was
actually serious about my decision and so they finally relented and said..okey
we shall see..!! So I had my food and began preparing for the
exams.
Days passed by and I entered into my 9th standard.
It was time to pay the trip fare and my parents said ‘no’. I felt like I was
cheated. I somehow accepted it, though I was bitter within. It had taken me
some days to come back to normal.
It aches my soul to realize how unloving a human can be. Human
beings created in the very image of a loving God sometimes or maybe many a
times forget their origin. It’s sad yet thank God that He calls us all to ‘repentance’,
‘He calls sinners to repentance’. This word ‘repentance’ sounds very bitter and
ugly to those who haven’t tasted the Lord, yet this is what has saved me. It
was His saving grace that picked up a hard and coarse stone like me and
transformed me into a garden wherein those who come in – into my life today
call me ‘blessed’. I believe that, this is how Mary must have felt when she met
Elizabeth. She realized that she was an unworthy girl chosen by the most Holy
God to become the mother of His Son. May we all have this same attitude within
us.
The greatest of all works, God my Father, has been doing in my
life, is making this ‘I’ slowly disappear and having a horizontal dash, thereby
firmly placing a cross ‘†’ in its place. Nothing has ever given
me the joy – the true joy that this ‘life in Christ’ has been giving me.
So , this is how I entered my 9th standard
and it was a smooth start. Then one day all of a sudden, our teacher announced
about a 3-4 day Scouts and Guides camp in Guwahati. Guwahati was a nearby city
located in the state of Assam. It wasn’t as far as Darjeeling yet it was definitely miles
away from Shillong. ‘COOL’, if not Darjeeling than it should be Guwahati. “
Mummy, you did not allow me to go for the Darjeeling trip, this camp I will by
no means forgo .. I am going…… bye!!”. That was my confidence !! And my parents
allowed me to go. It was a wonderful camp and I learnt a lot and as I had
earlier mentioned this ‘jack of all trades’ displayed a real good number of
talents. I received almost the maximum number of awards for the dance
competition, speaking, elocution and yes, drawing too. This was what I was
known in the camp ‘ jesse jaisi koi nehi’ ( it meant ‘no one is like jesse’ –
this was a famous serial programme being aired in the television
those days). A mere reading of this paragraph would make people think that – ‘
wow, her student life was very wonderful’. It is Only the girl
‘jesse’ who knows how she was feeling within. As said celebration stays for a
while, I was eaten up from within. A well decorated white washed tomb. Too
beautiful to behold from outside yet inside ..decaying and stinking. I couldn’t
withstand anyone getting even a mark more than me, I couldn’t tolerate anyone
being appreciated even if it was own close friend, had no genuine love for
anyone, all my dreams were shortsighted – just momentary happiness. That was
how I was…yes ‘I was’ - Praise God… ‘Great change has come over me
since I was born’ – since I was born again !!
This camp lead me further and I returned back home having been
the first guide of the school who ever participated for the ‘National
conference for scouts and guides’ held at Dehradun. Dehradun is a city in
Uttaranchal, miles and miles away from Darjeeling and definitely from Shillong
itself. What had happened in this Guwahati camp ? I was selected as the only
student from my school (though we were four) one among the 25-30
students representing the whole North-East region ( 7 states), for the National
Camp which was to be held a month later in Dehradun. Thus making me the first
among my siblings to travel by train and that too, to a far away state in
India. This was a great success for me and my fame .. yes ..i would like to
quote this word ‘fame’ began to spread in the School and in other K.V Schools.
It’s really amazing, even as I recall this incident ,
God was even then proving to me that His plans for my life were not just
greater – ‘ it was not what I had planned or ever desired for’. Then
‘I wanted Darjeeling – He gave me Dehradun’, ‘then I
wanted successful life – Today He has given me Eternal Life’, ‘Then I wanted
everyone to know who I was – Today He is using me ( such an unworthy person as
you can see ) to make His Glorious name known’. Sometimes you wonder in God’s
choices..!! By human standards I would be the last person of my family to be
chosen by God. Today,….’Look what the Lord has done !!’ Hallelujah..!!
And
God also selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is lowborn and insignificant
and branded and treated with contempt, even the things that
are nothing, that He might depose and bring to nothing the things that are, So that no mortal man should [have pretense for
glorying and] boast in the presence of God. 1 Corin 1:28,29
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