Crushes and Crashes !!!

Crushes and Crashes !!!

I have been watching a few movies…shhhh Christian movies in the past weeks … probably one movie a week…that isn’t very bad …!! I somehow realized that I am a little drawn towards movies that have a storyline, a family genre or sometimes a clean love story. Come on  .. yes .. love story…nothing wrong about it…!!!

In particular some movies have been of a great challenge to me like Pamela’s Prayer, Grace unplugged, Princess cut etc.

When I was in Malaysia last year, a girl dared to ask me (no one does it..seeing me in white in white ;) Akka do you have a boyfriend? And I was shocked … !! I asked her ..what has made you ask me such a question and to which she replied.. “it just seems impossible to believe that ..no one has ever proposed to you!! I replied …………………….!!

Recently have been going through a couple of videos by Eric and Leslie Ludy …Love those articles and Videos…Why? I see there's Christ centered relationship in there. Not like a fairy tale – wherein we see heroes riding on  a white horse or a girl with a tiara … !! Their’s is/was a love story written by God ….set as a challenge and example to many young people. If I ever have one….i was thinking about it the other day…and while watching a particular video…I have come up with the Title  – “      ;)”

Many girls have lot of questions about this matter and lots to share about yet many aren’t as open as they should be. All the information they ever receive is from the filthy TV programmes and emotional falsified love stories….wherein an uneducated gang leader falls in love with an educated college girl. He follows her and she falls in love with him…probably when he rescues her from some villain…etc etc…..!! These worldly-false-lust-eruptive movies have done much harm to the society, much more than even pornography has done. I personally found it hard to pick myself up after having read through the news report about the recent Nungambakkam murder case. After having watched the live stills with her dead body lying on the railway platform…I should say…I wept … !! Why has human life become so cheap?

So…sorry..i was supposed to take this along another line yet…it’s difficult to tame a writer’s thoughts and her writing fingers. Yes… _crushes and crashes_..!!

Did I ever have any crush ;) and DO YOU THINK THAT I WOULD EVER PUBLISH IT??

Yet I do have some hilarious moments to narrate!!

I was just in my 10 th std…as mentioned I was known as a studious girl. I wasn’t attractive and that was a concern to me sometimes. Yet I was a confident person – ( not saved yet) !! I had a friend, and I along with another two girls would frequently visit his house to have some food as his mother would prepare good tasty ones. Our school was located in an airforce area and it was fun to visit their quarters. He was younger to me…come on…he was a good innocent friend yet poor boy….he began to have crush upon me….!! Adding to his folly was he shared it to a few other classmates and when I was told about it….I wept and probably stopped speaking with him for months together. Till date ……. ….. he has been apologizing almost every time that he had once made me cry….I have told him…forgiven!!

Though there were a few things that used to attract me like …. Guys with guitar, a mountaineer, a pet lover, V neck Tshirt, casual and simple looks, 6 feet, hmmmm…clean shaven….yet…never did God allow me to fall for any guy..!! Let’s all shout Praise God for this !!

Yes….that was a young jesse….even during my college days…there were quite a lot of temptations yet God faithfully guarded me via a fence named Uncle and also when he wasn’t around..through different ways. During my college days…there was a trend wherein guys would drop their girlfriends near the college gate, also as I would ride my bike from home to college daily ..it was a common thing to see girls being seated behind a guy in their colouful bikes and making a public display of their so called affection. It wasn’t unnoticed to my eyes…and I wouldn’t shut my eyes either…yet ….i thank God … He enabled me to use this as an opportunity to pray Jesse’s Pamela’s prayer…..yes I do have one. And I would pray… “Lord…I too wish - to one day sit as a pillion rider behind a guy…Yet Lord…if it ever happens ..that guy should be none other than my husband”…...and joy would flood my soul…a joy of God’s grace and faithfulness….a joy of hope and faith for the future.

Of course I was tempted a couple of times…yet God preserved me. I can recall of an incident wherein I was to go to a school to complete my Rotaract club hours. And the coordinator probably from Loyala I believe after the programme approached me and asked if he could drop me back home. God had already given me the strength to say no..!! why ?  There was a fear in me ..that continues to this date. Some ask me .. "what’s wrong in meeting up with a guy….it’s not that you are going to marry him..after all it’s just meeting up for a cup of coffee?               

What kind of fear do I have here….it’s the sincere acknowledgement that I am after all flesh. And it wouldn’t take a moment for me to fall into any of the devil’s snare. I had seen so many girls…yes even believers finding it difficult to break away relationships with unbelievers…!! How did it begin…yes….it began from that – harmless..little catching up @ Café Coffee Day.

Recently someone confronted me ..your standards are too high jesse…. "you are dreaming..and what guarantee do you have that he too has such standards…don’t be a fool jesse"!!!

I replied him with these three words – I trust God !!

While doing my internship in LV Prasad studio, we were about to finish with our project and my team who were from a college of another state had borrowed some money from me. It was not a borrow sort of a thing…it was that I had purchased something ..and they had to pay me back. This was my last week there. The person incharge…would remind me… “Oh..i have to pay you back the money…!!” I sincerely believed that he was concerned about paying me back. Yet at the end of the day…he wouldn’t. Monday,Tuesday….Thurday had passed…yet he did not pay me back my money. Finally on Friday afternoon….i receive a call…asking if I was free. I was unable to join the dots and asked the explanation ….why?  He replied … “could I pay you back the money over a coffee somewhere outside….!!” Ahhh….i understood the un-narrated motive….and I politely told him to keep the money to himself and have a good single meal in a fine restaurant.

No…no collars lifted up and no claps for this!!! I am just as flesh as you are yet..God has been faithful to - keep me ‘His beloved pearl’  safely inside His shell…..He will open the shell when His one comes in …Right….!! I have the faith to believe this…and am for it!!

What about you….how many times will you give yourself away to someone who isn’t The one God has for you….even if you think he is …. Are you willing to honour God with a Christ centered relationship? Are you willing to battle this flesh of yours and live a pure life unto Him? Are you willing to Wait ?

Recently someone asked me this question –

Sameer: so how’s your hero?

Jesse - I don’t have any hero?

Sameer: Jhoot (lie)

Jesse – I don’t have any hero…yet I do have a future husband…and he should be doing fine :)

So let me fill in the blanks .....

No Crushes yet many crashes !!!

And the Farewell time...tata bye bye Shillong !!

"Mummy i will never leave you and go, even if it takes me to change my posting area, i will work wherever i could get you to stay with me", this was what young Jesse would tell her Mummy.

Now as i entered my 15th year, many things had happened at home, and every storm lead this boat of mine to move away and away from Mummy...this time to another direction...not North nor East neither West - It was SOUTH !!

One way jesse was excited that she could now start a new life altogether yet ..YET leaving behind friends was a little bit of a struggle.

" jesse Chennai jaakar tu badal tho nehi jaayegi?" ( So, Will you change after you go to Chennai?)

Jesse: " haaa.....jesse and change - impossible!!"

And i believe - God her heavenly Father must have had a good laughter there in heaven..."jesse  - not just a change ... I AM going to turn your world downside UP". Such a thorough work will be done in your life dear jesse, that the very existence of the phrase 'haa....jesse?' will no longer exist !!!"

It was probably the 22nd or 23rd of May 2005, Mercy and jesse left for Chennai - a long, hot, sweaty - 3 days journey - not knowing what would be in store for us in the coming days.

We landed Chennai at night and was picked up by Aunty and a cousin. Aunty...yes...my dear Aunty...Mrs Christiana Paranjothy....known as Christy Aunty in the family.

'ting - tong' !! "you both have arrived ?" It was dark and some one shouted - "close the doors...there's mosquitoes outside ....enter in soon.." There was this figure that i had seen for the first time...white in white...And here was my dear Uncle...He was working on his pc and he turned around at looked at us. He enquired a few questions and we immediately slipped into the guest room.

The following day, Aunty had a trip to take ..which would mean her being away for 3-4 days. It was the VBS season and there were 2 boys staying at home...also 4 girls and 2 other boys from the church. Everyone was supposed to leave for a programme in Redhills.

jesse was the youngest then..and she was made to sit next to Uncle. Uncle had handed over his mobile phone to me and i stumbled over it...as it was the first time i was handling a mobile phone in my life. During the programme..songs were being played...all Tamil songs and girls were performing on the stage. Uncle was leading them and teaching them. There was a huge crowd of Sunday school teachers and Mercy and i were lost among them. As the songs were being played...i began loosing my patience ...my fingers moved..my feet tapped  and i found myself..standing and dancing to the song right at the end of the crowd.

Uncle paused and spotted me and called me. He gave me the platform ...remember this was my second day in Chennai. He asked me to join the girls on stage...and so did i !! God had showed me even then that He had a ministry for me ----????

        " to help"

i danced....not knowing the meaning of a single word...just lip synced the song...did it with all the zeal i had...thinking this was my service to God..." to gladden and encourage the teachers to learn the action songs."

I jumped the highest, moved the fastest and did everything that i could... He had a plan for me - which was yet to be revealed ...YET had been already written down in HIS book !! Yes...in HIS voluminous book of jesse's life - why ? Because - HE knew it very well.......

                                       ' she has been created for a specific purpose '

VBS action song - a glimpse ( video - click the link to play )

Some more purity talks !!!

Let’s have some purity talks again. A few of you have witnessed that some of these conversations have been useful to you especially because you do not get to listen to it elsewhere. So hearing it from a friend encourages you. I had a bit long conversation with a friend of mine last week, somehow I realized that he did receive a light from it and thus am lead to reproduce a part to encourage you to see things as it is.

For many, living a pure life is simply IMPOSSIBLE, yet each time there is a temptation to sin, the Holy Spirit reminds me of the verse Mathew 5:8

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

And so, I do not wish to live a single day without seeing God working in my life, in my circumstances and everywhere around me. You know the extent of hope it brings to our heart -  Knowing God is with us. He is there!!!

Here’s the conversation -

4/15/16, 11:18 PM - Jesse: Am out

4/15/16, 11:18 PM - Jesse: Near …………..

4/15/16, 11:18 PM - Kishore: Yezz

4/15/16, 11:19 PM - Kishore: Out ??

4/15/16, 11:19 PM - Kishore: Stil???

4/15/16, 11:19 PM - Kishore: What u dng der ??

4/15/16, 11:19 PM - Jesse: Yes

4/15/16, 11:19 PM - Jesse: Church

4/15/16, 11:19 PM - Jesse: I will be here till 24th

4/15/16, 11:19 PM - Kishore: Oh ok mass is der ha??

4/15/16, 11:20 PM - Jesse: Not mass

4/15/16, 11:20 PM - Kishore: Oh anythng special nw

4/15/16, 11:20 PM - Jesse: As such

4/15/16, 11:20 PM - Jesse: Meeting

4/15/16, 11:20 PM - Jesse: Aah

4/15/16, 11:20 PM - Kishore: Lyk any

4/15/16, 11:20 PM - Jesse: You should see it

4/15/16, 11:20 PM - Jesse: Atleast once

4/15/16, 11:20 PM - Kishore: Oh meetng so in dat wat u discus jesse

4/15/16, 11:20 PM - Jesse: That's why I want you to go to that church Kishore

4/15/16, 11:21 PM - Kishore: I had atttended mass

4/15/16, 11:21 PM - Jesse: Encourage believers to live a life pleasing to God

4/15/16, 11:21 PM - Jesse: Nooooooooo

4/15/16, 11:21 PM - Jesse: Its not mass

4/15/16, 11:21 PM - Kishore: I wil go jesse dats ma word

4/15/16, 11:21 PM - Jesse: Help them to see hope in God

4/15/16, 11:21 PM - Kishore: Ha ???

4/15/16, 11:21 PM - Kishore: Pleasing 2 God

4/15/16, 11:21 PM - Jesse: Not to get discouraged

4/15/16, 11:22 PM - Jesse: A life wherein God smiles at us

4/15/16, 11:22 PM - Kishore: Yes i needed dat jesse

4/15/16, 11:22 PM - Jesse: And say ... Hey She / He is a person who truly honours Me not by lips yet by her life

4/15/16, 11:22 PM - Jesse: I havent reached there

4/15/16, 11:22 PM - Jesse: Yet am pressing on

4/15/16, 11:22 PM - Jesse: Not with my strength

4/15/16, 11:23 PM - Jesse: His help alone

4/15/16, 11:23 PM - Jesse: Meanwhile encourage others like minded ppl

4/15/16, 11:23 PM - Jesse: Like me to take this journey

4/15/16, 11:23 PM - Jesse: Eg.

4/15/16, 11:23 PM - Jesse: How to keep away from lusting

4/15/16, 11:23 PM - Jesse: How to remain pure

4/15/16, 11:24 PM - Jesse: How to get prepared !!

4/15/16, 11:24 PM - Kishore: Hmmm u r an extra ordinary person jesse ..

4/15/16, 11:24 PM - Jesse: Ayooooo

4/15/16, 11:24 PM - Kishore: Am nt pure jesse

4/15/16, 11:24 PM - Jesse: I have storms in my life

4/15/16, 11:24 PM - Jesse: Yet God is giving grace

4/15/16, 11:24 PM - Kishore: Dat sounded gud i cn hear it here

4/15/16, 11:24 PM - Jesse: That's why its power from God

4/15/16, 11:25 PM - Jesse: Yet we need to obey God

4/15/16, 11:25 PM - Jesse: When He says not to go to that site

4/15/16, 11:25 PM - Jesse: Which will tempt you

4/15/16, 11:25 PM - Jesse: You shouldn't

4/15/16, 11:25 PM - Kishore: 4 me its unimaginable yar dats y tld u r extra ordinary

4/15/16, 11:25 PM - Jesse: When He says don't stare at that guy or girl

4/15/16, 11:26 PM - Jesse: We need to obey

4/15/16, 11:26 PM - Jesse: Ohhh

4/15/16, 11:26 PM - Jesse: Isn't it a beautiful life Kishore 

4/15/16, 11:26 PM - Jesse: Remaining sacred for God and the man/woman He brings in your life

4/15/16, 11:27 PM - Jesse: Its a challenge a battle

4/15/16, 11:27 PM - Jesse: Yet am getting stronger each day

4/15/16, 11:27 PM - Jesse: Eg. I never send a winking smiley to a guy whom I shouldn't

4/15/16, 11:28 PM - Kishore: Hmmm its human tendency 2 luk at gal or boy . Nt always nt lyk starng

4/15/16, 11:28 PM - Jesse: Even if unconsciously I sometimes type

4/15/16, 11:28 PM - Jesse: I delete it immediately

4/15/16, 11:28 PM - Jesse: Yeah

4/15/16, 11:28 PM - Kishore: Hmm

4/15/16, 11:28 PM - Jesse: Looking once

4/15/16, 11:28 PM - Jesse: OK

4/15/16, 11:28 PM - Jesse: Kishore 

4/15/16, 11:29 PM - Jesse: Getting attracted also its normal

4/15/16, 11:29 PM - Jesse: Yet lusting is diff

4/15/16, 11:29 PM - Jesse: I do not have to explain to you

4/15/16, 11:29 PM - Kishore: I admire beauty

4/15/16, 11:29 PM - Jesse: I believe you understand

4/15/16, 11:29 PM - Kishore: Yeah dat i agree wit u

4/15/16, 11:29 PM - Kishore: Yes got it

4/15/16, 11:29 PM - Kishore: Got it

4/15/16, 11:29 PM - Jesse: Getting attracted is so normal

4/15/16, 11:30 PM - Kishore: V r extremely diffrnt

4/15/16, 11:30 PM - Jesse: If you don't get attracted to the opposite sex ...THEN its abnormal ;)

4/15/16, 11:30 PM - Jesse: Its not extreme

4/15/16, 11:30 PM - Jesse: Its Grace :)

4/15/16, 11:32 PM - Kishore: Yeah dats d creation of God wich made male n female

4/15/16, 11:32 PM - Kishore: I ws thnkng hw difrnt u r frm d people i hav seen in ma  entire life .. Respect 4 u

4/15/16, 11:39 PM - Jesse: Yes true

4/15/16, 11:39 PM - Jesse: Ha ha ha

4/15/16, 11:39 PM - Jesse: You know how a small boy would say

4/15/16, 11:39 PM - Jesse: I don't like girls !!!!

4/15/16, 11:39 PM - Jesse: Ha ha ha

4/15/16, 11:39 PM - Jesse: Will a 15 yr old boy say such a thing

4/15/16, 11:39 PM - Jesse: It's part of creation

4/15/16, 11:40 PM - Kishore: Did anyone tld lyk dat ??

4/15/16, 11:40 PM - Kishore: Any boy???kid??

4/15/16, 11:40 PM - Jesse: Arey ask a 5 yr old boy

4/15/16, 11:41 PM - Jesse: Just ck it

4/15/16, 11:41 PM - Jesse: If I am right or not

4/15/16, 11:41 PM - Jesse: He will say No

4/15/16, 11:41 PM - Jesse: I want to play with boys

4/15/16, 11:41 PM - Jesse: Its funny

4/15/16, 11:41 PM - Kishore: Dats bcz he too small

4/15/16, 11:42 PM - Jesse: Yes

4/15/16, 11:42 PM - Kishore: Bt later i dnt thnk

4/15/16, 11:42 PM - Jesse: That's the point

4/15/16, 11:42 PM - Jesse: Yes as soon as he gets matured

4/15/16, 11:42 PM - Jesse: Ahhhh

4/15/16, 11:42 PM - Jesse: Things change

4/15/16, 11:42 PM - Jesse: :)

4/15/16, 11:43 PM - Kishore: Yep yep

4/15/16, 11:44 PM - Kishore: D day wen i became lyk u i wil make wonders wit grace of god .. In a pure way

4/15/16, 11:45 PM - Jesse: You are not like others

4/15/16, 11:45 PM - Jesse: You are good at heart

4/15/16, 11:46 PM - Jesse: One small advice though

4/15/16, 11:46 PM - Jesse: Don't try to prove the world anything

4/15/16, 11:46 PM - Jesse: You are what you are !!

4/15/16, 11:46 PM - Jesse: :)

4/15/16, 11:46 PM - Jesse: Don't ask me to explain

4/15/16, 11:46 PM - Jesse: You will understand it :)

4/15/16, 11:47 PM - Kishore: Hmmm i had gne thru wrng ways also

4/15/16, 11:48 PM - Jesse: Not like me

4/15/16, 11:48 PM - Jesse: I had gone through many wrong ways :)

4/15/16, 11:49 PM - Kishore: 4 me meaning of ma lyf is jst 2 make people smile even if am sad .. 2 help .. 2 jst do thngs of justice dats it , whle gng thru dat , wrong path cmes whr i had 2 step

4/15/16, 11:50 PM - Kishore: Hmm 2 b frank mre dan dat

4/15/16, 11:50 PM - Kishore: Hmm

4/15/16, 11:51 PM - Jesse: Hmmm

4/15/16, 11:51 PM - Jesse: I don't undestnd the full

4/15/16, 11:52 PM - Jesse: :)

4/15/16, 11:52 PM - Jesse: Good nite

4/15/16, 11:52 PM - Jesse: Kishore

4/15/16, 11:52 PM - Jesse: Sleeping

4/15/16, 11:53 PM - Kishore: Its d dificult 2 understand d world wich u had nt seen ..

4/15/16, 11:56 PM - Kishore: Gud nyt jesse God bless u .. 

B d daughter of  Lord .. !!tc bye

Hope you are blessed and trust me – it is worth to seek God’s power to live a pure life unto Him.

The School days

In one instance, i had taken Papa’s very good and sharp scissors to school for a project. And as it could be expected, someone had stolen it from my bag or while it had been left abandoned on the table. While I was getting back home that day, I remember feeling ‘dead like a lizard’, not knowing what to reply to Papa. I tried begging Mercy to take the blame upon herself as she was Papa’s pet and could escape without getting scolded. She was a perfect daughter, who everything in the best way possible without causing any trouble to others. Yet she refused my plea. Who would risk doing that when there wasn’t any guarantee that it wouldn’t happen again!

And so these were my childhood days. Yet, none of these incidents prevented me from my Operation ‘Exploration’. My desires were always set upon doing things that were ‘ forbidden’ . 

My childhood revolved around School. My school was my world..!! While any school going child would prefer to stay at home and so find excuses to take leave from it, I was just the opposite. ‘Meghalaya’,my hometown, when translated means ‘the house of clouds’ . It would have rainy weather more for than half a year. Hailstorms were also quite common. Besides this, there were frequent curfews and bandhs due to political reasons. Since my school was situated in the air force region, 60 % of the students could make it to school even in the most adverse conditions.

I remember many such incidents, when Mummy, seeing the weather outside, would not wake us up in the morning and allow us to sleep presuming we would stay at home. But somehow, I would wake up by 6:30 am ( which would mean only 30 minutes to go and catch the office jeep to go to the school) and Seeing my sisters happily lying on the bed I would weep loudly. It literally brought the roof to the ground. Why ? Just because I did not want to stay at home and wished to go to school as always. With a 75-25 ratio I would win the battle . Somehow with my skirt half tucked in, and Rs 5 in my fist for lunch, I would manage to catch the office jeep. This was the normal scenario at home, as ‘Jesse’ was a very serious student. I wanted to attend all the classes without missing even one, while Mercy and Ruth would prefer to stay back at home, happily sleeping under the warm cozy blankets.

Friendship was very special to me. I never chose friends based on their intelligence or smartness or even beauty. Even from my childhood days I sought friends who would be ‘good listeners'. Yes..just good listeners would do. Someone who could add a ‘hmmm’ to everything I said.  

 Isn’t it beautiful how God creates us. No two people are alike. We are all created beautifully by Him. We all possess different temperament .. different even within a family. We should never feed awkward or low about these differences. He is the perfect ‘Potter’ who knows about our future even before the best calendar could mark it down.

Then as the earth revolved around the Sun making revolutions year after year…this jesse from childhood now entered into her teenage. Until then, I was pretty innocent yet now adolescence was taking a stall over me. I wanted to be famous even more. Co-curricular activity was the sword on my right hand and academic studies the shield on the left. Adding to all of these since I was slowing entering into my adulthood, I now had  the desire to be appreciated for my looks. I had known that I wasn’t as fair as other girls ( People in North East are all fair, having really straight long hair and a slim figure) and that would unknowingly bring down my confidence. Still I strove to do my best in everything. School was everything to me. Even at home I would spend hours together thinking about ‘what had happened that day and what would happen the next day’.

Running past all the other years, let me take you to the period of my life that had seen a complete make over. This was the end of my 8^th standard. As there were rumors in the school that students would be taken to a Darjeeling mountaineering trip. Bingo !! This was what my soul desired. A trip !! Too good to behold..this young mind thought of the mountaineering experience - the  colorful dresses I would be allowed to wear, the fun I would have with my friends and what not. So there I was excited to break this news at home. The school had charged around Rs 400 I believe. It was a little more for my family to provide yet I hoped I could convince my parents. So I waited for my mother to return from her school. She was a primary teacher in a private school.

Here I should make a note that the lives of my parents  too revolved around our education. They never bought any new cloths for themselves yet provided all that they could for us, their  four gems. My father could have bought a bike or a new gadget to boast about with his friends, yet family was his priority. God bless my parents. I can very well recall this conversation that my Papa had with his office manager while he withdrew some money from his PF ( provisional fund) for Victoria’s degree admission. While he applied for the withdrawal form, he was advice by the manager that he shouldn’t be his savings like this and should rather keep it for his post retirement period.’ ‘Lala careful’, was what they had advised him . Yet my  father used almost all his savings on us and never thought about his future.

So my mother had arrived from the school and before I could even announce the Big carnival news, Mercy in turn had shared the same news with both Mummy and Papa and they were willing to send her to this trip. What had happened !! My dreams were crushed into pieces .  All my plans got washed away by the flood waters. Yet, I wasn’t a loving sister nor had ever understood the meaning of sacrifice and I went and told Mummy that I too was planning to go. Without any second thought, Mummy said ‘no’ as they couldn’t afford for two people. Mercy as her nature was, immediately told my parents that she wouldn’t and that jesse could go alone. Yet, Mummy did not agree to this. If not for Mercy, then not even for  jesse. Today, I understand why Mummy had said so, yet then I did not. I was furious . I wept yet they wouldn’t listen. I went for a two and a half days dharna ( starvation process), yet they wouldn’t. The school had given a week whole break for the end term examination. My parents fearing that I wouldn’t study and that I was actually serious about my decision and so they finally relented and said..okey we shall see..!! So I had my food and began preparing  for the exams. 

Days passed by and I entered into my 9^th standard. It was time to pay the trip fare and my parents said ‘no’. I felt like I was cheated. I somehow accepted it, though I was bitter within. It had taken me some days to come back to normal.

It aches my soul to realize how unloving a human can be. Human beings created in the very image of a loving God sometimes or maybe many a times forget their origin. It’s sad yet thank God that He calls us all to ‘repentance’, ‘He calls sinners to repentance’. This word ‘repentance’ sounds very bitter and ugly to those who haven’t tasted the Lord, yet this is what has saved me. It was His saving grace that picked up a hard and coarse stone like me and transformed me into a garden wherein those who come in – into my life today call me ‘blessed’. I believe that, this is how Mary must have felt when she met Elizabeth. She realized that she was an unworthy girl chosen by the most Holy God to become the mother of His Son. May we all have this same attitude within us.  

The greatest of all works, God my Father, has been doing in my life, is making this ‘I’ slowly disappear and having a horizontal dash, thereby firmly placing a cross ‘†’ in its place. Nothing has ever given me the joy – the true joy that this ‘life in Christ’ has been giving me.

So , this is how I entered my  9^th standard and it was a smooth start. Then one day all of a sudden, our teacher announced about a 3-4 day Scouts and Guides camp in Guwahati. Guwahati was a nearby city located in the state of Assam. It wasn’t as far as Darjeeling yet it was definitely  miles away from Shillong. ‘COOL’, if not Darjeeling than it should be Guwahati. “ Mummy, you did not allow me to go for the Darjeeling trip, this camp I will by no means forgo .. I am going…… bye!!”. That was my confidence !! And my parents allowed me to go. It was a wonderful camp and I learnt a lot and as I had earlier mentioned this ‘jack of all trades’ displayed a real good number of talents. I received almost the maximum number of awards for the dance competition, speaking, elocution and yes, drawing too. This was what I was known in the camp ‘ jesse jaisi koi nehi’ ( it meant ‘no one is like jesse’ – this was  a famous serial programme being aired in the television those days). A mere reading of this paragraph would make people think that – ‘ wow, her student life was very wonderful’.  It is Only the girl ‘jesse’ who knows how she was feeling within. As said celebration stays for a while, I was eaten up from within. A well decorated white washed tomb. Too beautiful to behold from outside yet inside ..decaying and stinking. I couldn’t withstand anyone getting even a mark more than me, I couldn’t tolerate anyone being appreciated even if it was own close friend, had no genuine love for anyone, all my dreams were shortsighted – just momentary happiness. That was how I was…yes ‘I was’ -  Praise God… ‘Great change has come over me since I was born’ – since I was born again !!

This camp lead me further and I returned back home having been the first guide of the school who ever participated for the ‘National conference for scouts and guides’ held at Dehradun. Dehradun is a city in Uttaranchal, miles and miles away from Darjeeling and definitely from Shillong itself. What had happened in this Guwahati camp ? I was selected as the only student from my school (though we were four) one among the  25-30 students representing the whole North-East region ( 7 states), for the National Camp which was to be held a month later in Dehradun. Thus making me the first among my siblings to travel by train and that too, to a far away state in India. This was a great success for me and my fame .. yes ..i would like to quote this word ‘fame’ began to spread in the School and in other K.V Schools.

It’s really amazing, even as  I recall this incident , God was even then proving to me that His plans for my life were not just greater – ‘ it was not what I had planned or ever desired for’.  Then ‘I wanted Darjeeling – He gave me Dehradun’,  ‘then  I wanted successful life – Today He has given me Eternal Life’, ‘Then I wanted everyone to know who I was – Today He is using me ( such an unworthy person as you can see ) to make His Glorious name known’. Sometimes you wonder in God’s choices..!! By human standards I would be the last person of my family to be chosen by God. Today,….’Look what the Lord has done !!’ Hallelujah..!!

And God also selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is lowborn and insignificant and branded and treated with contempt, even the things that are nothing, that He might depose and bring to nothing the things that are, So that no mortal man should [have pretense for glorying and] boast in the presence of God. 1 Corin 1:28,29

Created for a PURPOSE !!

I have always thought of writing a novel...an autobiography or at least a book about all that God has done in my life. YET, even as God is giving me new light each day ... i personally believe i may write down my failures and God's work in my life.....i CAN do that for me....yet my past being entangled with many people......i do not have the RIGHT to involve the failures of other people...'PEOPLE' whom i have forgiven and THINGS that i have almost forgotten!!!

SO... i need to give a new approach to my book...!! I am not sure if this will work ..let me take it one day at a time.... mainly focusing how God builds our life....yes yes yes.... how God plans our lives....!! It's going to be interesting, so do not miss any part.....i would continue writing and would end it....with the circle being completed....what i mean to say is.....when The Day arrives !! Ha ha ha .... little vekkam (shy) here .... ok ..am taking a step of faith.....yes, JESUS is the author of all Faith.....!! Faith that leads to do the will of the FATHER alone...I'll try to be open, leaving some parables here and there in case i need to and might have one write-up per week......so that by the time ..everything is Said and Done .... i would ( we would ) have a book ready....!! Now if what it doesn't end the way i desire to....hmmmm...!! Yes, for a hypothetical conclusion let's say.... even if this doesn't end the way i desire....even THEN....it would turn out to be a beautiful story !! An inspirational one .... !!
Sounds fun !! Let's seee................!!

Had asked Amreetha to help me with the Grammar ..... a few pages are done...let's hope she too finds time to do it.

The Lord is my Shepherd. Yes, He has lead me thus far and He will lead me on...
Clothed in the garment of salvation, under the shadow of my Heavenly Father, I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving and praise for all that He has done for me.

Thank You, Lord, for saving me. Thank You for looking past my sins and accepting me. Thank You for laying Your loving hands upon the scars of my life and healing them, thank You, Lord, for 'transforming ' me!!

                  Upon His grace I'll daily ponder, and sing anew His praise
                  With all adoring wonder, His blessings I retrace
                  It seems as if eternal days, are far too short to sing His praise.
                                                                              (W. Spencer Walton )

When I was still very young,I always wished to travel. My school friends would go on vacations with their parents yet I couldn't. We couldn't afford it. Born in Manipur , North East India and brought up in Shillong ( Meghalaya), this was my heart's cry -  to travel.

"Oh Mummy, when will I get to travel like my friends by train" asked  little Jesse ( when she was probably 6 or 7 years of age). To which her Mummy replied, 'Don't worry, jessepuk??, when we die and our soul and spirit is taken up to paradise, we would then pass though all these wonderful paces on the earth".  I nodded and went to bed that night not knowing that this question of mine was heard by my Heavenly Father above. He began knitting things together in my life that would one day make all my innocent desires and wishes come true. 

My dad, whom I have never called as 'Dad' but Papa, belongs to the Hmar tribe from the state of Manipur and my mother is from Tamil Nadu, a pure tamilian. So with three other siblings of mine, we lived a good number of our lives in the quarters of Doordarshan Kendra, Shillong.

When each of us required uniform and shoes for the new year, Papa would get me Action shoes ( a brand) with artificial wheels beneath so that I could glide while walking. I never settled for the normal, not even once since my childhood days. Very early in life, I had the desire to shine and be the center of attraction. Victoria, my eldest sister, Mercy, the second and Ruth my younger sister - made my small world. This 'Hmar family' in the apartment quarters was known for having smart and disciplined children, a slight exception though - Jesse being the over-smart one.

Three of us, Mercy, Ruth and I,  studied in Kendriya Vidhyalaya school and received many opportunities to shine and come forward. Have you heard of the phrase ' Jack of all trades and Master of none' . Yes, this was aptly my case. Be it drawing, singing, sports,dancing, writing, reciting, in all of these I was a proud 'Jack', yet I did not master any.

" A wild beast when young is as harmless as a dove'. That was the state of my childhood days. I was an innocent little girl.
I can still recall many incidents caused due to my outrageous curiosity. In the absence of my father, I would unscrew the 'tape recorder' and try to see what exactly existed inside the machine. Yet, alas, my tender little fingers did not know how to screw the nuts  back into the original position and i would be caught red handed by my Papa. My Papa wouldn't punish us physically, yet his scolding would be equivalent to that.. If there was anything wrong at home -'was it Jesse?"  was the common question asked and why not, it was my work, most of the time.  Mercy would call me - Miss Butterfingers !!

Will not - pull the handle and close any door again nor will - push the handle and try to open a closed door....!!

This morning even as i was thinking 'how God works', i do not know why i was reminded of this
verse.....Then a flow of thought within me...why did Jesus say so..what was the meaning to it....
" how long am I to remain with you?" Isn't it right for us to want Jesus to continue to be with us...Does He want us to work independently. No...of course not!!..then why did Jesus say so?

Why?? These words were ringing in my heart....yes..yess..and suddenly i remembered why.....
As i had mentioned earlier age is definitely taking a hold upon Uncle and Aunty...may God give me the grace to do what is required..!! Now...i have told Aunty we could keep a helper 24X7 ..yet finding a faithful one and a trustworthy person is definitely difficult. Let me describe some scenes at home

Location: Jesse (inside her room), Uncle (Bed room) , Aunty...(in and out the bed room and Jesse's room and kitchen.)

Scene 1:
Aunty: Need to send this message
Uncle: Come i will tell, you should start using touch screen...be updated
Aunty: Ok
Uncle:( struggling himself)
Aunty: furious....what..!! you have been using this phone for quite sometime..
           you still are struggling..
Uncle: Give me some time...let me learn.
Aunty: I will ask Jesse....she knows it.
Uncle: Dey..!!
Aunty: Jesse..!!
Jesse: WHAT ?

Scene 2:
Aunty: Need to fill this form.
Uncle: Check online.
Aunty: Jesse will know.
Uncle: Yes..Dey!!
Aunty: Jesse..!!
Jesse: WHAT ??

Scene 3:
Aunty: When are you leaving ?
Uncle: 1st ... 29th??
Aunty: Monday..isn't it ?
Uncle : yes....
Aunty: Timings?
Uncle: Ask Jesse..she has all the details..!
Aunty: Jesse
Uncle: Dey
Jesse:  What?

Scene:4

Uncle: Dey, who was the pastor whom we met in ...
Jesse:..yes.....
Uncle: What's his name ?
Jesse: I think .................
Uncle: Spell
Jesse: .........
Uncle: Do we have his number ?
Jesse: Wait let me come..myself.

Scene 5
Aunty: This phone is useless
           We cannot even delete one thing here
            everything gets deleted!!
Jesse: What do you want ?
Aunty: I do not want to delete all the messages..just this one
Jesse: Show
Aunty: This Uncle only ...forcing me to use this phone..older phones are so easy
           this is a nuisance....we cannot even delete things
Jesse: Do not say..'we cannnot'...say..'i do not know Aunty'
Aunty: it's not possible
Jesse: Done..take
Aunty: (smiling) thank you

Scene 6
Uncle: Dey tomorrow at 7:30 am da..!!
Jesse: Tommorow is Thursday Uncle
Uncle: Just a few hours..by 10:30 you will be free
Jesse: Uncle!! GO by auto...!! I will not come.
Uncle: Dey dey dey
Jesse: stamping her feet to the ground....leaving the room..in haste......go by auto..final!!
Uncle: Within 2 minitues you will come and say ok......jesse is a good girl..we know it.
Jesse: smiling and winking ....entering into the bedroom///laughing...you are very bad!!
Uncle: Our jesse is good
Jesse: what time...tomorrow..sharp 7 :30 OK

So these are some scenes , considering the milder-intensity incidence. Then....
So this morning this was in my mind...How did Jesus prepare His disciples..There was a confusion in my mind.......God wants us to trust Him in everything..isn't it?
Then ...Does He want us to act independently? This was so confusing...!!
I've told Uncle something like this...during those quite calm evening hours.......................
Uncle, listen..i am very glad to help you..I love to..yet..i fear that you are getting very much dependent on me..Do not be so dependent please.

Does Jesus want us to be dependent on Him??
How is it supposed to be?

Here is this verse giving us a slight clue..While these words  of Jesus ..... i believe ..was said to
the disciples..." how long will I be with you?..There were many people in the crowd... (the father of the boy, the disciples and the scribes and Pharisees)..So while some words were for the Scribs ..this statement  must have been for the disciples...!!

Later in verse 22, Jesus tells them about His departure..that He would be handed to men, killed .. So most probably..Jesus must have told these words to His disciples !!

During my 12th standard, many unlikely incidents had occured in my life. All put together... my studies was in a pure mess. Actually i should say...' the grace of God was not with me'...inspite of al of this,
i was a fool to expect good percentage for my board examination, while it was very clear that i did not perform well.

So the question is

-  'Only Faith' without 'work' ? OR
-  'Faith plus work'

- Trust and obey? OR
- just trust and leave it.? Hmmmm??
Hope i have made it clear, things that i wish to deliver. No! no! no! am not telling  you to do something, when God has told you not to..that's not what i am telling to.

Probably,

This could be said in this manner....' Only when you take a step will the next door open'....'unless you lift your feet..how will things happen'?
We are not machines..we have a free will..given by God..!!

“You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.” 
― Amy Carmichael

I think Paul puts it well in 1 Corin 3:6
I planted, Apollos watered, but God  ( all the while) was making it grow and He gave the increase.

I believe this verse gives a beautiful exhortation.

Also isn't it easy to say," God will take care"Good bye..!!
and do nothing in that regard..I have done this myself and i repent this day..even while typing it down.

I am reminded of this verse here..

Esther 4:14
For if you keep silent at this times, relief and deliverance shall arise for the Jews from elsewhere, ...And who knows but that you have come to the Kingdom for such a times as this and for this very occasion

Only when we mix acid with a base will reaction take place...without mixing, nothing will come out.
Above all..'fear of God' as the Bible says 'is the beginning of all wisdom'..so true...!!

I am little cautious these days to post matters that might pain others...in the past i have...unintensionally caused pain to a few. So..i was not sure if i should post this....so i prayed and asked my Heavenly Father...i wouldn't until You lead me...!!

So....the day went by ....at 5:30pm when we were travelling...we received a call....from a well wisher..He spoke to Uncle and then to me..
i was thinking...of all..why..now..!! why should this come now....!! not again..am not comfortable Lord...!!
Yet....i battled it....sought for grace..and did not lose my peace as other times..
Then a small soft voice..."didn't you ask for a confirmation jesse"

Oh Lord....yes i did...!! SO the call was a confirmation ....so that i post this ...!!

Dear Brothers and Sisters i repeat....

"For if you keep silent at this times, relief and deliverance shall arise for the Jews from ELSEWHERE"

Have the fear of God and may God direct your path....the Fear of the Lord..will direct you to do that "which is righteous" RIGHTEOUS !!!
I have examined myself.......judged myself....Lord....that's all i can do..nothing more....Will not
- pull the handle and close any door again nor will
- push the handle and try to open a closed door....!!

I trust God.....He will do what is the best for me...What is HIS best me..!!


As i have already mentioned once....
family,friends,relationship, aimbition, desires.....nothing has ever stood that 'Strong' (enough) in my life to prevent me from choosing His divine will...It's God's grace.....Past speaks .... if needed future  too might be the same.

Vinny and Amreetha were the once who encouraged me to stand for the election for the 1st year Represenative post in Woman's Christian College. I still remember an advice Vinny had given me that day... " on the stage ..never speak from your emotions...!! Never jesse"

....and poor jesse...i fell for that....i spoke something emotionally....and was ruthlessly cornered by the then secretary and senate members including the lecturer in charge....!! It's hilarious when i think about it now...!! Yet, God did give me the post in spite of my failures and limitations.... .i do not not why !!

IN the darkest of days..there is always that ....ray of light ...that shines brighter than the 'temptation' to give up.....that's what has kept me thus far....
i know the rock from where i was curved out....so there is no place to be proud about what God has been doing for me....

But for HIS grace i would  have not been saved....!!